Saturday, December 18, 2010

Me and the Lunch Lady

(Rock N Roll Romeo and Juliet practice moves to the stage this week. Performance next Wednesday... Here are some pics)

I’m not sure what it is. I mean, I really don’t know. But I am an absolute magnet for crazy people. There is nothing really unusual looking about me. I don’t have one of those creepy Chinese moles with the two foot long hair growing out of it. I’m not a Quasimodo hunchback holding my ears screaming, “The Bells! The Bells!” while throwing my own feces at tourists. I don’t stagger through the streets screaming obscenities and swatting at flies that aren’t there… you know… ? So what’s the deal, Crazy People? Why am I always your first option?

(One of the Montague Boys readies for the Street Fight)

So today it was the lunch lady.
Now, everyone knows the lunch lady I am talking about because she hasn’t changed in a thousand years. She’s the grumpy frumpy old woman scowling at you from behind the big white apron and white pants and white jacket and big white chef’s hat and white surgical mask standing there leaning on her spatula over a half cooked pile of frozen tater tots thinking about throwing you on the grill if you look at her cross eyed.
Oh yes, that lunch lady.
And Asia has her too, except she’s meaner, because she was raised Chinese without a soul, and the food she’s hawking looks like squirming leftover fishing bait.
Got the visual. Sorry. Don’t puke. It’s just lunch. Rub some dirt on it and wash it down with warm barley water and you’ll be fine.
(Did you really think Spongebob wouldn't make an appearance...? Really?)

Now one of the best decisions I made this year was to start eating in the school cafeteria. Okay, before you begin questioning just WHY these crazy people should NOT start looking to me as their leader… please know that I do this because of my daughter, who is in first grade, and the other school shares the cafeteria with our junior high so I get to see her everyday and that is worth its weight in boiled cabbage soup any day of the week.
(Romeo and Juliet make their last stand...)

But that doesn’t make it easy… why, you ask? Because today I was attacked by the crazy lunch lady. And what was my crime… you ask? I took three potatoes.
Oh, I know. Stop the presses Jean Valjean, you’re going to hell! But the crazy lunch lady spied me from half a mile away in the kitchen. She must have sensed it while pressure washing the mold off another tray of last week’s red cabbage stew, and came running into the lunch line. “No! No! No! No! No! No!” and then squawking at me in Chinese “Yayayayayayayayaayayayayay!”
(One of the Capulet Girls gives the international Asian hello sign by our weeping willow)

I mean, I thought somebody had been shot or was on fire. But it was me. She ripped the potato off my tray and put it neatly back atop the pile of others and escorted me back to my seat. Then brought the sign over that is written very clearly in eloquently grease stained Chinese… (I was informed by at least a dozen people afterward that yes, in fact, you can only have two potatoes, the Chinese smudged sign is very clear…) And then the lunch lady returned to her perch and left me alone.

(Yeah, I know Shakespeare Boy, that's two Victor Hugo allusions. What's Up? Who's counting?)
Okay... I get it, jokes on me. But believe me... I get mine too. You can have your taters... I've got bigger fish to fry.

1 comment:

  1. for some reason I attract a lot of crazy people too, especially here in asia:) welcome to the club

    ReplyDelete