Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Beware the Ides of March

“And Jesus was a sailor when he walked upon the water.” - Leonard Cohen

I don’t think of myself as a quitter. I don’t think of myself as someone who gives up when the going gets tough. But I’ve stopped things I can no longer do, cut out habits that were damaging, dropped friendships, even great ones, that no longer validated me, broke relationships that were unhealthy. Sure, I look back. But when I do there is nothing there. It’s just gone, and like everybody else I find I just don’t care.
(The following photos were taken in Phuket in 2011 about the 2004 tsunami destruction that still exists)

I think there are many times in life we wish to just wipe the slate clean. Erase mistakes. Forget the past. Start fresh. Make a brand new me. I’ve heard people say those words often, and I watch them wondering if they are going to self-combust with a new form suddenly sprouting Phoenix-like from their ashen pyre.
Does that mean you’ll forget about me? Was I a mistake to you? Am I the one you are trying to erase? Quick, I better forget you first. Numb the pain. Ahhh… done! Now numb don’t hurt no more.
When I was a boy I was taught to never turn your back on the ocean. Mom and Dad would drive us out to the Oregon beaches. Tillamook. Seaside. Lincoln City. Mom would wrap us in sweatshirt hoods and call after us as our naked legs raced in and out of the surf tides. Always running, keeping her in view, this little waving black dot on an army blanket that had now become the horizon staring back at us from the shore.
I’d go back to that time now. I would. People weren’t my biggest problems then, as they are now. It’s not that I want to re-live the past or forget it somehow, but if I had the chance, I do it so much better than my first time around.

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