Saturday, June 25, 2011

The Week in Ridiculous

(Oh yes, this would be an example of the cafeteria food slop trough. Yummy Yum Yum)

“Facebook Foolishness”
I was friended on Facebook this week by a woman from Oklahoma who’d read my book. She seemed young and earnest and all together well intended. I thought, sure. Okay. But can I really internet friend someone who, under the interests section, states that her favorite books are: Cosmopolitan, Marie Claire, Vegetarian Times, Yoga Journal, and Glamour? For movies she selected: The House Bunny and No Strings Attached? But here’s the cherry, for People who Inspire her, she chose: (In Order) Marilyn Monroe, Coco Channel, Audrey Hepburn, Albert Einstein, and Kim Kardashian.
No way, baby. I’d friend you, but I’m too busy reading Nicholas Sparks.

(This would be my Rubik's Cube Mobile. I finally just confiscated them and smashed them into little pieces and hung them. Paul said it would bring me great joy to see it. It does.)

“My Chinese Teacher is a Five Year Old”
In all of her goodness, Rebekah has taken over my Chinese language training. Yesterday I learned three words:
1. 狗屁 (goupi) Poop
2. 放屁(fangpi) Fart
3. 尿液 (niao ye) Pee
Thanks, Kiddo! (AND… the Chinese Education System)

(This bird fell from the sky and was scooped up by a couple of awesome kids and put in a cookie box. Later it woke up and flew out of the box around our classroom startling the crap out of us.)

“Ryan Dunn Dead at Age 34”
You know, there was a time when people thought Jackass would be the demise of American culture. Obviously, it wasn’t. But it was the long overdue death of one such idiot. To me, and Dunn’s death has no social significance compared to the blurred out bodies carried through revolution footage from Syria, Egypt or Libya on CNN or the BBC, but his passing is only the morbid end to a mundane cautionary tale.
What was disappointing was Roger Ebert’s backtracking comments after the imbecilic “Bam” Margara said, “Millions of people are crying…shut your mouth.” I thought Ebert was supposed to be a social commentator and critic? He’s a cancer survivor for crying out loud. How you get through starting down the black death and not have the stones to stand up to a pipsqueak skateboarder is beyond me.
And how about Margara? This bottom feeding scumbag. He’s famous for laughing hysterically while sticking light bulbs up his rectum and waking his father up out of a dead sleep and beating him into a bloody, welting pulp with his fists. His father that would never fight back, that had bought the house they were living in, who had given that selfish prick everything. Whenever Margara comes on TV I want to vomit.
I can’t tell you how many students I had that emulated those Jackass morons. Slapping each other with phone books. Cutting their skin with staples. Hitting beer bongs and running full on into cement walls. Darwin was right about one thing, your death just means more living for me.

(These are the two students who found the bird, just proving that there are still awesome, well meaning, cool kids still alive who know the right thing to do. Thanks, girls!)

“I Read this Sentence Today”
Abu Khalid Abdul-Latif, also known Joseph Anthony Davis, of Seattle, and Walli Mujahidh, also known as Frederick Domingue Jr., of Los Angeles…”
You’ve got to be kidding me.

(One blurry photograph taken by Rebekah in her bedroom. Nice posters, huh?)

“And This One Takes the Cake”
A woman from Taichung, Taiwan (where Hartenstein is currently living) known only as Mrs. Lui, ticked off the owner of a local beef noodle dive after posting a negative review on her blog staying the food was “too salty,” that there were “cockroaches,” and the owner was a “bully.” This was in 2008. After learning of this, the restaurant sued Mrs. Liu for defamation and won, since she was unqualified to pass judgment on the seasoning of the entire restaurant, even though she had a witness about the cockroach. Mrs. Liu was sentenced to 30 days in jail and order to pay about 5 thousand U.S. dollars. Hoping to teach her a lesson, Huang Cheng-Lee, a lawyer in our city here, said bloggers and reviewers should remember to be “truthful, objective and fair.”
Oh, and for all of you who have been emailing me with outrage about that teacher I work with who disparaged the kid… nothing happened to her. I took it up the chain of command and was told to “button it” because there was no evidence she said it, despite multiple student witnesses. “You didn’t get it on tape,” I was told. “Besides, if we pursue this, the school will be angry, lose face, and there will be even more of a division between the English and Chinese departments. So forget it. Drop it. Please." That's what they said.

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