Friday, August 19, 2011

Macrophilia, Bestiality, and Zeus the Father of Kink.

The more you travel, the more freaks you meet. Bet on it. In my days of kicking dust around the world I’ve met my share of weirdoes and fiends. From Fury Fandoms to Abasiophiliacs, trust me, these creeps are out and thriving.
But nothing has ever compared to the wonderful love mutants of literature. From fictional bad boys like Viscount de Valmont and Don Juan, to larger than life real lotharios like Arthur Rimbaud, Marquis de Sade and Giacomo Casanova, storytellers have always tried to capture the art of love making in all its splendor and depravity.
Enter the Greeks. The boy buggering and slave-groping Greeks, whose stories are full of heroes and heroines falling in love at first sight in epic fashion: Perseus defeating the giant sea monster to save Andromeda or Orpheus entering hell to rescue his beloved Eurydice. But nobody compares in scope and savagery to the father of them all, the one and only sky god, Zeus, the god of kinky.
I know. I know. Zeus is a cad. Zeus is a rogue. He’s a big old dirty, disgusting creeper. But, he’s also one of the greatest lovers literature has ever seen, and as one travels around Athens and Greece, through the farmlands toward Alexander’s Macedonia or the windy islands of Delos, Apollo’s birthplace, Zeus will find you. And since the Greeks invented obsessive love, “philia,” here are some of his conquests in all their luscious disorder.
Bestiality: or Zoophilia, from the Greek (zṓion, "animal") , also known as zoosexuality, it is the practice of sex between humans and animals.

Leda (Nemesis) was the goddess of retribution. Zeus seduced her by taking the form of a swan and swimming innocently up to her before leaping out of the water and raping her… feathers and all. Leaving Leda devastated on the shore, she later gave birth to Helen, who was hatched out of an egg, and we know what Helen and her famous face launched, don’t we?
Europa was a Phoenician princess, prettiest of all the other maidens. One day while gathering flowers by the sea, Zeus noticed her and (induced into action by Cupid’s Arrow) took the form of a brilliant white bull. When Europa climbed onto his back, the bull immediately leaped into the sea joined by Nereids riding dolphins and Triton blowing his horn. Zeus took the young girl to Crete where he explored his passion, and Europa had no choice but to obey. She bore him two sons, one, Minos, delighted in sending virgins to their death in a labyrinth where a half man, half bull monster murdered them and ate their flesh.
Io was a priestess of Hera in Argos, Zeus fell in love with the strikingly gorgeous Io, who he covered the world in clouds to keep Hera (his wife, her lord) from finding. Suspicious, she cornered Zeus in the grass field where they lay and Zeus had no other choice but to turn Io into a white heifer. Nice!
Hera was still suspicious and asked for Io as a gift, which she gave to the thousand-eyed Arges so he could always keep an eye on her. To counter, Zeus sent Hermes to lull Arges asleep and slaughter him, which the messenger did with gusto. Hera was so distraught she took the thousand eyes and laid them on the feathers of her favorite bird, the peacock.
Io wandered the world for many years as a cow (ha! thank you, Wordsworth), even meeting Prometheus who encouraged her despite his chains. Many geographical features are named after Io including the Bosphorus (which means cow’s head ford) and the Ionian Sea. Later, Zeus met her along the Nile and changed her back into human form where she bore a son, the hero, Epaphus.
Incest: Sexual relations between people classed as being too closely related to marry each other.

Aphrodite was the goddess of love and beauty and ended up having affairs with her brothers Ares (god of war, no surprise, big coward) and Hephaestus (god of fire, forge and grease-monkeys) who she later married. AND oh yes…, she was Zeus’s daughter. Major ewwwww! He pursued her when she first emerged from the sea surf in that Botticelli painting on the seashells and took her in the sand like Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr in From Here to Eternity (look it up). Hera was so pissed she deformed their child, the doomed Priapos.
This was not the first time Zeus “kept it in the family,” laying with his granddaughter Persephone, the little goddess of spring. Just before her abduction by Hades, Zeus took the form of the snake Dracon and slithered on inside. Persephone bore him a son, the ill-fated Zagreos. Zeus tricked her again years later taking the disguised as her husband Hades.
Macrophilia: Refers to a fascination with or a sexual fantasy involving giants.

The Titans were a race of giants that existed before man. Zeus’s father Cronus, was a Titan, and his brothers and sisters were born when Zeus kicked his father in the stomach and he vomited them up. Sweet!
Zeus shagged a number of Titans, no small fete. There was Eurynome, who bore Kharites “Grace” and Themis, the Titaness of “Custom” and “Tradition” who bore the three Horai “Seasons” (which also symbolize Justice, Peace, and Good Governing) and the three Moirai “Fates.”
Later Zeus laid with Mnemosyne, the Titaness of Memory, when Zeus pretended to be a shepherd (Role-Play), and Metis, the Titan goddess of Good Counsel, whom Zeus swallowed whole upon learning a prophecy that she was destined to bear a son greater than his father. This would be Athena, who later leapt from the skull of Zeus fully grown.
Liquidiphilia: Sexual arousal from immersing genitals in liquids.

Zeus did his best to lay with Styx, the goddess of the great Underworld River of Hades, and also with Thetis, goddess of the Sea, but abandoned his attempts when it was revealed that she would bear a son (Achilles) who would be greater than his father. Ironically, it is this very River Styx which Thetis dipped her infant son in that made all but his heel impenetrable.
Geophagia: Defined as deliberate consumption of earth, soil, or clay. From different viewpoints it has been regarded as a psychiatric disease.

Gaia, the goddess of earth, was accidently impregnated by Zeus on two separate occasions, both yielding minor gods and… crops?
Fetishims: (Sorry, not an original Greek word) Sexual arousal by inanimate objects.

Here’s where Zeus excels, because nobody gets down with the metaphysical like our boy Zeusy. From nailing Hubris, goddess of excessive pride (how ya like them apples, Odysseus?) which birthed Pan (go play that flute with your bad self). He also seduced Calliope, goddess of music, and even got Selene, goddess of the Moon, who bore him, what else, daughters…
Gynephilia: Erotic attraction to women, and its counterpart androsexuality is attraction to men.

Finally, we end with some good old fashioned human love- call it the Missionary Position if you want, but Zeus did have an eye for the mortals of his time. One of them being unfortunate Semele, a Thebian princess, who was the only flesh and blood woman to be parent of a god. Killed by Hera in a jealous rage, who could blame her, she gave birth to Dionysus, god of wine, vegetation and frat parties, who later traveled into hell to bring her back to life, and allow her to live on Mount Olympus. See… who said the Greeks didn’t believe in happy endings and love conquering all?
So there you have it…Zeus in all his primordial yuck. But pretty interesting nonetheless. Puts a different slant on some of the art you see here in Greece, that’s for sure.


  1. i don't belive in this crap theirs only one god and his name is well god