Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The Death of Chinese Chewbacca

"It's not wise to upset a Wookie."  -Han Solo

The Chinese word for Chewbacca is "A-chooo!"  I know this because I asked.  Ok... I'm anticipating your next question, so of course, I then asked about sneezing, they didn't get it.

"Get your hands off me you damn, dirty ape."  -Charelton Heston, Planet of the Apes

For the last week of class I talked Joseph Campbell and showed Star Wars to my Taiwanese students.  Most had never seen it, so... you know... I saved their life.  BUT THE BEST PART WAS... I pulled Xian out of school during her FULL DAY OF SECOND GRADE TESTING... so that she could hang out with me and watch the movie.  I know... being a teacher is awesome!

"Would someone get this big walking carpet out of my way."  -Princess Leah

Speaking of saving lives... I would recommend reading Joseph Campbell more than any other author.  His books on myth and particularly, The Hero of a Thousand Faces, will rock your socks!  But to really understand Campbell's genius is to watch his lectures.  It's endless... but listening to Campbell spin yarns... that old man with those saggy eyes who knows every single myth and ancient story ever etched into a cave wall... will change your life.

P.S.  I really wished that was a Great Gazoo picture instead!

"That's because droids don't pull people's arms out of their sockets when they lose."  -Han Solo

So it's been a pretty crazy week... the last few days of school usually are... but I did find time to hit the post office.  Here is the man behind the counter... what I love about him is that he has an amazing Chinese mole on his neck.  (Why is it a CHINESE mole?) because he has several long (maybe 9 to 10 inches) strands of hair sprouting out of it.  Yep, he's a modern day Wookie!

"Where are you taking this, thing?... Look out, he's loose!"  -Last Words of Death Star Prison Cell Block Commander

Of course, I've also been watching Euro '12.  You know why soccer is great?  Because  a total douche like Cristiano Ronaldo, who flops like pancakes on a skillet, can primp and pose and run shirtless and become a national Portuguese hero.  This dude would have gotten beat up at my high school.  He wouldn't even have made our (American) H.S. football team.  Someday America is going to wise up and get tired of losing international soccer games to Guatemala and Costa Rica... and we're going to start utilizing our amazing talent pool to dominate the pitch.  We're going to take a group of second string NCAA point guards  and power forwards and a couple of bench warming wide receivers from the Arena Football League and some dudes from the Rec Center Ultimate Frisbee League and we're going to toss them a soccer ball instead of a basketball or football or baseball or tennis racket or wrestling singlet and train them as soccer players and win the next twenty World Cups in a row just out of spite.  Come on, seriously... Lionel Messi is three inches shorter than me.  Are you kidding me?  Are you kidding me?  Derick Rose would you please play soccer for a year?  Russel Westbrook would you just play soccer for a year?  Just to wipe that stupid smug German smile off every face...

"You tell that piece of work-ridden filth..."  -Han Solo speaking to Jabba the Hutt

Oh yes... it's Ghost Money Burning time again... what this picture didn't capture, is this dude's pants were hiked up to his nipples.  I wanted to applaud him.

"Get in their you big fury oat.  I don't care what you smell."  -Han Solo to Chewbacca before leaping into the Death Star garbage chute.

I took this photo of Taichung from a very familiar spot.  If you can recognize it, email me!

"These are not the droids you are looking for."  -Ben Kenobi

So naturally, I mean this will come as no surprise, but my Taiwanese students don't like Chewbacca.  They think he is stupid.  They wonder why he doesn't speak English.  I mean, even Vincent the "Booger Eater," and Freddy the "Finger-Smeller" can speak  better English than Chewbacca... and he hangs out with foreigners all day.  "His GEPT score must be very low," one of my students suggested.

P.S.  This is Rebekah drawing her three sisters dancing on a rainbow with smiley face clouds over a flower.  Seriously... girls, man!

"You don't have enough scoundrels in your life."  -Han Solo

I tried to explain that Chewbacca is, as everyone knows, a total bad-ass!  But they didn't get it.  These are kids that line up for a living and let teachers hit them... so... but still, I gave it a try.

"After all, he's only a Wookie."  -C3PO

By the way, did you know that Chewbacca dies?  Oh yes, there is a 1999 Star Wars book called Vector Prime in which a moon crashes into the planet Chewbacca is on and totally smashes him.  I know, right?  (That author should have his nuts removed) Dudes living in their parent's basements all over the world are screaming... like Luke Skywalker says when he sees Obi Wan's empty robe cut down ... like Darth Vader says when he, you know, becomes Darth Vader... like the entire audience of Phantom Menace says when first introduced to Jar Jar Binks... NOOOOOOOOOOO!

P.S.  Seriously, Lucas... your dialogue is awful!

"Waaahhhaaa!"  -Chewbacca, professional bad-ass

Which leads us to the end.  Yes, I taught the Joseph Campbell Monomyth (Hero's Journey) to my students this week.  Yes, I let my daughter skip her final nationalized test so that she could sit in my classroom to watch Star Wars.  Yes, school is now finished and summer is upon me.  Yes, George Lucas simultaneously created my childhood and then ruined it by selling it back to me twenty years later.  Oh well, as Obi Wan says, "Who's more foolish, the fool or the one who follows him?"  I know... may the force be with you, always.

P.S.  The above picture is a Chinese can of tuna fish.  How awesome is that?

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