Friday, December 21, 2012

A Curmudgeon's New Year's Resolutions: More Water Balloon Battles, Eliminate Gangnam Style from Existence

  "A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern." -Edgar A. Shoaff

So it was deep in the summertime while on vacation on the island of Borneo when these pictures were taken... It's winter now, cold and damp and frosty and moldy... and as the year closes, I was thinking about things I've completely bombed and cut out of my life and others I definitely need to hold onto. I encourage you all to make similar lists for 2013.
  "Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you're the Charlie Brownist." -Linus

I don't want to know or be associated with people who take pictures of food before they eat it. I certainly don't want you to post those meals, pre-consumption, on your Facebook page with captions like, "Good Times. Great Food. Even better Friends." All I think about when I see your full plate is, how it's going to look post-digestion before you flush.
  "When we are born, we cry that we are come to this great stage of fools." Lear, Willy the Shake



I need to win more battles with the Chinese. Yesterday I walked into a coffee shop, stood in line for ten minutes, finally pushed my way to the counter and ordered and the young pimply, brace-faced kid said, "Sorry, we don't have coffee." I lost it. He would make a sugary macchiato, a watered-down Americano, or a frizzy cappachino, but he wouldn't roast me some coffee because he was too busy texting. I had to just walk out of the store.
Then I went to the phone company, took a number, waited in line thirty minutes, but they wouldn't -reactivate my phone because I only had one piece of ID, a passport. I needed two. I had to walk out of the office and come back another day.
Then, as I was strolling back to the apartment, I was struck from behind by a car. Yes, it was only the side mirror, but the guy kept driving. I chased after him and tapped on his window, he rolled it down, but all I could think of to say was, "你是一个坏司机" (Ni Shir yige haui siji: YOU ARE A BAD DRIVER) I've got to learn more Chinese curse words.
  "My honest opinon and friendly advice is this: do it or do not do it, you will regret both." -Soren K

One thing I need to do more of is sharpening pencils. I know this sounds crazy. But I have all these wonderfully colored pencils for my daughters and we sit for hours just sketching and drawing stuff and sharpening the wood over little coffee cans. It's like that with sewing too, which I've taught them how to darn socks and make little puppet faces with funny buttons. This Christmas we made ornaments out of Popsicle sticks and glitter and just sitting on the floor with my girls gives me amazing peace. 
Medvedenko: "Why do you always wear black?"
Masha: "I am in mourning for my life." -The Seagull, Chekhov

Cut all Top 40 Radio out of my life. This is such a blessing. Part of it was living in Saudi Arabia where there is no music, but... do you know how fortunate I feel to have never listened to PSY and his Gangnam Style? I've never even seen it, and I live with Koreans...! Total Win!
"I had a lover's quarrel with the world." -The Lesson for Today, Rob Frost

Finally, my last resolution for 2013 is to do nothing. I'm going to eat and get fat! I'm going to be lazy, shiftless, and an idler. I'm going to make more snow angels on the living room floor, take up the banjo, do impossible trick shots with Nerf guns from prostrate positions, and speak almost entirely using the Oxford Comma. In short, I will reinvent myself as a fresh, newly formed, potential, lump of clay.

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