Tuesday, December 4, 2012

TOTAL EPIC ASIAN FAILS!

As we landed by speed boat at Sabah, right in the middle of the tourist beach, these two Asian douche bags were yucking it up hysterically about burying each other in the sand... (they should have been burying one another in the closet.)  Chubby Asian guy spent about twenty minutes shaping and rounding and perfecting his buddy's middle male member complete with a twig popping out the top.  This is in front of dozens of onlookers and family.  My family.  This passing girl's face says it all: TOTAL EPIC ASIAN DOUCHE BAG FAIL!!
My theory is, if you've got it, flaunt it.  The problem is.... ain't nobody got it.  We've all lost it or Ya Gonna Loose It!  Fact is, none of us ever really had it... and it's more like... if you're stuck with it, get over it.  That's a much better philosophy.  Asians are way ahead of the curve on this one.  Their non self-conscious beach bods should inspire all of us.  (Especially devil may care in a speedo dude)  My opinion:  TOTAL EPIC ASIAN WIN!
I honestly didn't want to take this picture.  These five women stood for almost an hour on the Sabah beach trying to take one group picture in which they were all jumping at the same time.  Try as they might, they just couldn't get it right.  This caused them to laugh and cover their mouths giggling and pull up their swim trunks and check their make-up in hand mirrors before trying again.  Then one started clapping loudly like a French aristocrat for this bartender at the little palm tree shack saloon who came running over because... let's face it, these are Asian women in bikinis... and then one after another they all ordered huge fruity cocktail concoctions and sat down in the sun to sleep.  They never got the picture. Total comedy.  TOTAL EPIC ASIAN CHICK FAIL.
When I get old, not only am I going to wear a purple scarf, my saggy white butt is going to rule! TOTAL EPIC OLD WHITE COUPLE ON ASIAN BEACH WIN.
This big Japanese Sumo dude was a couple of picnic tables over and kept swilling the German beer like it was going out of style.  About an hour into it, he grabbed a giant fallen palm tree branch and ran like Don Quixote toward the shore apparently to spear some fish or break the waves... I don't know... but it was awesome!  TOTAL SUMO SIDEBURNS EPIC ASIAN WIN!!
Standing next to me was this Chinese dude's girlfriend who was filming with a tripod.  I was just toweling off after chasing my daughters up and down these water slides for the better half of a morning.  The Chinese dude's girlfriend was wearing a full spandex body-wet suit with gloves so as not to make her skin dark which would mean she was a farmer or peasant or ... I don't know, a human perhaps.  She looked like a cross between a snow pea and a walking condom.  Anyway, this dude went home with her...and that's an EPIC ASIAN WIN!
As I creep closer toward middle age, which is sinister and belittling and amazing in its many forms... I find there are two articles of clothing every man should operate in.  One is a collection of suits:  a black, a grey, a brown... just do it.  You'll feel so much better about yourself. A suit is worth its weight in gold.  All you American men in cargo shorts and t-shirts and sweatshirts ... you're the reason guys like Vincent Van sliced off his own ear.  The second is a speedo.  What is wrong with you? Get over it.  Tuck yourself snug inside and snap that waist band shut.  And women who laugh at guys in speedos are the reason guys like Ernest Hem blasted his brains against the wall like a plate of linguine.  The only way this Asian Speedo guy could be cooler is if he strapped a knife to his naked thigh.  You go, Asian Speedo guy:  TOTAL EPIC ASIAN WIN!
So... Live out Loud awesome Asian Lesbian chick.  Your girlfriend behind you in the leopard skin bikini and James Dean cowboy hat is on the list too. TOTAL EPIC ASIAN WIN x TWO!

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