Monday, March 25, 2013

Fifteen Rules For My Grown Up Daughters

  #15.  Ten Percent is Yours to Keep
   
This is about the truest advice anyone ever gave me.  Take your monthly salary, cut 10% off the top, and never spend it.  Ever.  Not to pay the electricity bill.  Not to get your car out of impound.  Not to bail your best friend out of jail.  Never touch it.  Ever.  You’ll thank me.
  
#14.  Never Slice a Bagel in Anger
      
I've got the scars to prove it.  Everybody does. 
     
#13.  If a boy can’t tie a tie, show him once.  After that, if he asks, find another boy.
     
This is the first dating advice I will give you.  Second is, nothing beats Monopoly on a Saturday night, but you already know that one. 
  #12.  Your Mom is Always Right

The answer will always be, “Yes, mom.”

#11.  Never Shake Hands with a Man while Sitting Down

I recently interviewed with a kid who didn’t tuck in his dress shirt.  It was appalling.  This rule is right up there with, “You can never be overdressed for an occasion,” and “Always say ‘Congratulations’ to the father of the bride.” 

#10.  Feed the Eagles, Stave the Turkeys

Priorities.  Always priorities.
  #9.  Never Cut Your Sisters Down in Public.  Ever.

We say it every day before I drop you at school:  Put love in your heart.  Always do what is right.  Never give up.  Be brave.  Having a sister means you’ll never be alone.

#8.  Diamonds, Credit Scores, and STDs are Forever

I’m just saying.  Don’t test me.

#7.  Beer is For Horses and Pissers

There’s a thousand ways to hold onto a night, but only one sure fire way to lose it. 
  #6.  The Best Breakfast Cereal is Hot Vegetable Soup

Preferably Vietnamese pho noodle soup.  It’s got everything: protein, veggies, vitamins, and it warms your body and the back of your throat.  Think differently.  Remember I brought you down these streets for a reason.

#5.  If You Tell a Boy You Won’t Kiss on the First Date, He’ll Expect You to Sleep with Him on the Second. 

Take this to the bank.  Boys are wolves.  Every last one.  Don’t give him a reason to think you’re a lamb.

#4.  Take a Flashlight to Bed.  The Best Childhood Memories are What You Do After Lights Out.

The world exists under your covers.
#3.  Memorize Broadway Show Tunes.  The Best Romances Will Always Be With Yourself.

Belt ‘em out with pride, girls!  Be a lover of lyrics and your heart won’t need to wander far.

#2.  If a Boy Tells You He Loves YOU, Punch Him in the Face.  What He Does in the Next Ten Seconds Will Be the Most Completely Honest He’ll Ever Be With YOU.

You’ll only need to ever do it once.

#1.  Your Father Always Knows Best

That goes without saying.

1 comment:

  1. there are some pearls of wisdom here. you're getting wise in your old age, sir. but tell your beautiful daughters that nowadays boys hit back.

    ReplyDelete