Word spread of Jason, the one-sandaled traveler who was brought before King Pelias and demanded his father’s throne back (three fingered SNAP!). Pelias, agreed to returning the land and title to the rightful heir but only upon fulfillment of an amazing heroic task: Bringing back the Golden Fleece, which was a stunning gold-haired ram held prisoner on a faraway island. Jason agreed. (Sucker!)
With the help of the genius shipbuilder Arnus, (there really needs to be a Greek god of spelling… thanks be for the letter “R”) the great Argo was created and fifty men in ten ships set out to retrieve the golden ram. (ADVENTURE!) But Jason had a co-pilot: (Jesus? Nope, wrong book) the Great Hercules, (can you smell what the Rock is cooking?) pausing on his fourth labor, joined the voyage for a spell. (Another Sucker!)
So, Jason and Hercules sailed through the Aegean Sea into the Mediterranean having adventures and landing on different islands. The first was Lemnos where the women were cursed by Aphrodite to smell so terribly that their husbands would not touch them. (Gross!) In anger, the women killed their men and chased Jason and Hercules away (…with their nasty stinky armpit hair) and promptly created the first Ashley Madison website in antiquity.
Next they sailed to Doliones, arriving on the western shore, where they were greeted warmly by the king, but upon leaving they became lost and arrived on the eastern shore of the same island and were attacked by the same king, which they killed before all realizing their mistake. (Lewis Carroll anyone?)
Next they reached Thrace and saved the blind prophet Phineus (sans Ferb) from Harpies sent by Helios. The seer then showed them how to pass the terrible cliffs of Symplegades (say that three times fast) by releasing doves and following them through the passages. Finally, they arrived at the island of the Golden Fleece. (It’s about time!)
Here Jason met the terrible and diabolical love of his life, the princess (witch) Medea, who tricks him into marriage, helps him steal the fleece, and then kills her own father. (Not COOL, Lady!) The two sail away in a honeymoon vessel of blood. (Haha…Killer Sentence!)
Jason then sends Hercules to find it. (Now you’re thinking!) So the great hero leaves his 12 Labors and sails out alone looking for the lost vessel which he finds on Montjuic Hill along the Iberian coast toward Gibraltar. When Hercules finally locates the survivors, they are not wounded or distraught, in fact, they are overjoyed at the stupendous beauty of the land, the gentle sea breeze, and the lush vegetation. The men abandon Jason and the Golden Fleece and decide to build a settlement there which they name “Barca Nona,” which means ‘The Ninth Ship’ in Latin. Hercules leaves them (he was traveling that way anyway) and continues toward the Erymanthian Boar. (Sheesh!)