Friday, October 16, 2015

O ASIAN SELFIE GIRL!

'Love is merely a madness, I tell you, and deserves as well a dark house and whip as madmen do."  -Rosalind, As You Like It.

There is nothing quite like Asian Selfie Girl.  Nothing.  You have to see this raw vanity and inane insanity to understand.  The Asian selfie girl will cause pathetic and stupefying disbelief in humanity.  You see here a mile off, utterly clueless, dressed in flowing robes and sun hats and designer outfits standing in front of some mildly beautiful location preening and posing for no other pleasure than her own.  An Asian woman can take a hundred selfies in a row.  An Asian woman can strut past a statue or flower garden or building facade twenty times while her hapless boyfriend films her.  Each time returning to check her image then hitting repeat.  She will be shy, stare longingly into space, then lift a casual and calculated coquettish smile.  Vapid.  Hollow.  Shameful.  It's astounding.  Truly unbelievable.  She can do this for over an hour.  She will stand right next to you while you're swimming or playing with your kids or trying to haggle in the market.  Where did this phenomenon come from?  How long have we had cameras on phones... 7 years?  There is no other culprit more idiotically and painfully on display than the Korean woman.  It's hilarious to encounter.  Korean women will sit in groups of ten at the restaurant table, all consumed by their phones, all taking selfies.  Dozens and dozens of selfies.  No one speaking, just obsessed with narcissistic attraction.  Or packs of Korean woman strolling down the beach in long flowing scarves streaming their image.  Koreans are ruining the internet with selfies re-posted again and again.  When you listen to them, speaking about their levels of cuteness and their daily skin regimens and which friend is uglier than the other ... you stand baffled.  I saw this Korea woman once insipidly sashaying through a resort cafe just strutting in high heels toward the beach.  Bikini, gorgeous sun hat, long flowing silk robe she flipped over her shoulder and knocked over a champagne glass display shattering bottles and wine glasses to the floor...dumbfounded at her own insouciance, she just huffed and pulled out her cellphone...#whoputthesewineglasseshere?  I was shocked.  Years ago, I once had this Korean student tell me that her hobby was practicing her smile.  That she had over thirty different Zoolanderesque smiles she could pull out for any occasion:  shy, nervous, cutesy, pouty.... all perfectly calculated.  It's a blight.  A cancer.  The selfie is a cankerous and blistering open sore on humanity.  Hit reset world.  Resist the selfie.  I know... it's too late.  The selfie apocalypse is upon us all.

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